Kazaana
by Zoni
Summary: When Kazaana is damaged, Miroku believes that his life is coming to an end and may take the rest of the group with him. To save the others, he leaves them. However, he will discover that some things cannot be left behind. Mir/San
1. Chapter One

**Kazaana  
**By Zoni

Have you ever been haunted by a dream? The one where you walk through your house and search every room trying to find your family. Looking and looking, you try for hours to find them. You know they were just there but no matter how hard you look you cannot even hear their voices. After a while, you sit down and wait for them to come home. You think that, perhaps, they have just gone out for a while to visit a friend or a relative. Sunlight warms your face as time passes and little by little you start to see the specks. Spattered lightly on the wall, or maybe visible in the cracks of the floorboards, you can see the little droplets of red taunting you. The realization slowly dawns and you know what happened to your family. They never left. They are dead. You killed them. Their voices come to you out of a consuming darkness to tell you of your sins and you wake up screaming as you realize what you've done.

My name is Miroku, though most people just call me Houshi-sama. I am nothing but a monk. That dream is the vision that has plagued me every night with increasing frequency since the day that my father died. Something like that leaves as scar on your mind. I still remember it as if it had only happened yesterday, the way he came up to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. He told me to be strong. Then he simply walked out into the yard, far enough away from the temple to make certain that I would be safe, and he died. Like my grandfather before him, he was killed by Kazaana, the curse that was given to us by Naraku. I don't know exactly what it was that my grandfather did to bring Naraku's anger down upon him, but it has left an everlasting mark upon our family in the form of a large void in our right hands. If I were ever fortunate to have a child then he, too, would carry Kazaana. This curse is what causes me to have those hellish nightmares. They disturb me on a level that I cannot quite describe. It is because of this curse that I pray for the nights when I fall into a deep and dreamless sleep. I do not want to think about the implications of the things that I see in my dreams. In those dreams, especially. Yet, even now, it has been two days since this new injury to my hand has signaled the beginning of the end.

A quiet laugh and the sound of someone talking pulls me out of my dark thoughts. Sango's soft voice calls to me and I finally pull my eyes away from where I have been staring aimlessly as we walk. It would seem that even the warmth of this beautiful, sunny summer day couldn't distract me from all the things I find running through my mind that are so impossible to ignore when she calls for me. At the moment, she is walking slowly at my side. She stays just far enough away that I am forced to keep my hands to myself. Her bright brown eyes are searching mine for something, but I can't tell what. The slight smile that spreads across her face as she realizes that I'm looking at her warms my heart. It's incredibly rare to actually see her smile, but when she does it's like seeing a glimpse of heaven. Sango amazes me. Even the fact that she can still look at me like that, after everything she has been through, is incredible. Of everyone that I travel with, only Inuyasha may have had more to contend with in his past. Even so, Sango has always tried to push the negativity of what has happened out of the present. Or, at least, that is what she would like for us to think. I don't always believe it. She is an incredibly strong person and, at the moment, I would give anything for even a small measure of that strength.

"Is everything okay, Houshi-sama?" she asks me, her lips quirking upwards in her uncertain smile. I must have been staring, again. Slowly, I nod in response and try not to pay attention to the fact that I have been unconsciously matching my steps to hers. Just as I open my mouth to ask her something, I hear the shout from up ahead. Looking up, I can see Kagome standing almost a quarter of a mile away. She and Inuyasha are standing at the top of a hill and gazing over at something on the other side, both of them seem very tense. I don't even need to ask what has happened. From this distance, it would be almost impossible not to notice the billowing smoke that is coming from just over the rise. Lifting my staff off of the ground, I hold my breath as I begin to run towards them. We have done this so many times that I can say, almost certainly, what it is that I will see when I finally reach them. Of all the things that we have become so accustomed to doing, this is the one thing that I hate the most.

I reach the crest at the top of the hill and I feel my mood sink as my fears are realized. Looking down the slope I can see an expanse of green grass that slowly turns into black char as the broken remains of the village tumble over the crumbled walls that used to surround it. A youkai has attacked this place. More than likely, it has killed at least half of the villagers. A town this size couldn't have had more than a hundred people in it and the pile of bodies that I can see at the far end of the village is sizable. Smoke and ashes are still rising up from burning buildings. Even from this distance, I can hear the cries of people as they wander through their broken homes looking for loved ones that they hope might be alive.

If I were anyone else, I might have a more distinct reaction. Sympathy, maybe, or fear that whatever monster did this might come back to finish its work. I don't really feel anything like that. Just a strange, sick turning in my stomach as we begin to fall into the formation that I have become so used to over the past few years. Inuyasha, Kagome and Shippou all slow their pace and fall behind as Sango and I step forward. We must make a strange pair. A monk and a taijiya are never an everyday sight. However, we are still more familiar to these people than a hanyou or a strangely dressed miko will ever be.

A few of the people that are milling around the edges of the town can see us. I can see the fear in their eyes as they look us over. I don't blame them for wondering the things that they do. Are we youkai? Will we come and destroy what is left of their village? Will we take advantage of an easy target? All manner of questions like this must be running through their minds as they silently watch us come down the hill towards them. And then they see me.

As I do whenever we reach one of these broken villages, I let the hand that isn't holding my staff fall so that my palm is facing outwards in a gesture of peace. A smile slides into place, almost as if it had been genuine. The men and women who are now walking towards us probably see me as some sort of divinely sanctioned help. And, for the next few hours, I will do what I can for them. I will bandage their wounds, pray for their dead and do everything I possibly can to ease their pain. Everything that I do will be for my own personal gain. All of it in the hopes that, tonight, I will be able to sleep in a house or a shed, anywhere that might keep the weather off of my back for a night. These people will never know that but the fact that I know twists my heart. I smile calmly at the people closest to me. "This is a terrible thing that has happened. What can my friends and I do to help you?"

~(*)~

Evening has come and gone. The afternoon is a haze that I would rather forget as I sit here in the darkness of the room that I managed to talk us into for the night. The owner of this house is a wealthy man who made his fortune with samurai. There is irony in the fact that he makes his profits from death and yet he is still so afraid of it himself. I banished evil spirits from his mansion in exchange for a place to sleep and a warm meal. There was nothing to banish. He didn't care. The words are all that mattered, the extravagence of being able to afford an exorcism. I cannot imagine that kind of existence.

Good food and strong drink are usually more than enough for the average man, but I haven't even touched the sake that is still sitting in front of me. The others have had their fill and they have all gone to sleep. The only thing keeping me company now is the glow from the coals of the fire that lays dying in the center of the room.

Looking down at my hand I can see the light pushing its way through the thick glass beads that I hold onto with an empty sort of determination, wrapped around my glove like a shield against the inevitable. I know that it will happen sooner or later. The dreams that I have every night will become my reality when Kazaana opens itself up and swallows everything around me. It will take my friends, my companions that I travel with. They are the only thing I have now that resembles family. And yet, they do not realize that each moment they spend with me could be their last.

I wonder if it will be quick when it happens. Will it all be over in an instant, with no time to think? Or will it take a long while and leave me to watch, unable to do anything to stop it? In a strange way, I hope that there will be pain when it takes me. It would be some sort of payment for the torment that I have inflicted on others that have been consumed by it. Most of the time I really don't hear or feel anything when I use Kazaana. Just the wind. Every once and a while, though, I sometimes think I can hear the crunching and snapping of bones as they are broken down to be small enough to pass through its walls. Perhaps I can even feel them scrape along the other edges of the perforation in my hand. I don't think that my sanity could bear that happening to my friends. The images now swirling through my mind are trying enough without the knowledge that it could soon be reality.

Looking around the room, I take in the sight of each of my companions. Inuyasha and Kagome are asleep on opposite sides of the room for once. Kagome has fallen asleep on a futon, her backpack behind her. Inuyasha has propped himself up against a wall with Shippou curled up at his side. No doubt the little kitsune is afraid of the youkai that destroyed this town, he always chooses to sleep at Inuyasha's side whenever danger might be near. I don't blame him. There are a great many terrible things in the world, though, and the monster that destroyed this town is only one of them.

I can feel eyes on me, watching me from across the room. On the other side of the dimming fire, Sango is still awake. Her beautiful eyes are looking at me from where she is laying, covered with a blanket on her own futon. No words escape her mouth but, with the expression on her face, she doesn't need to say anything. I wonder what it is that she is thinking about. It's impossible to guess, but I wish she wouldn't look at me like that. When she does it makes me want to stay, to tell her that I will be by her side until Naraku is destroyed. Longer, if she would let me. Given the opportunity, I might stay with her forever, if that is what she wanted. I really have no business thinking things like that, but she makes me feel things that no other person ever has and it frightens me. I don't know if I will ever be ready to admit the truth and the depth of those emotions to anyone, even myself, but the feeling still remains. On nights like this, when everyone else has fallen asleep and it is only Sango and I awake in the darkness, that feeling burns a hole in my heart that nothing can fill. More than anything, I wish that we could destroy Naraku if only so that I might have a chance to find out what she would do if I ever did tell her all of these things that she is causing me to contemplate.

Cautiously, she bites her lip. The look on her face is almost unreadable but it feels like she has something that she wants to say to me. I want to ask her what it is, but I don't. I just smile. For now, I only want to be able to remember this - the way she looks, her eyes, the way her hair falls across her shoulders as she rests. Everything about her. After tonight, I will never again have the opportunity to sit here in the dark and regret all of the things that can never be. Now I know that some things are more precious than selfish wants and the desire to spend more time with these people. My friends and companions that I once knew.

After she has fallen asleep, when the coals in the pit have finally died, I will leave. As much as I would like to stay, the feeling that the end is drawing closer with every hour consumes me. The reality remains that if I stay here, in this place and traveling with these people, I will wind up killing them. No amount of will power or wishing can ever change that.

Looking up at Sango now, I can see that her eyes are drifting shut. With any luck, she will be asleep in a few more minutes. I wonder what she will do when I am gone. She is an amazingly strong woman. I have no doubt that, in time, she will manage to do everything that she has set out to do. Her village will be rebuilt, her family restored to their rightful home. Even if she can never bring Kohaku home, I am confident that his memory will be honored when their village is whole again. When everything is finished it will be an amazing sight to see. I will never have that opportunity.

Sango has drifted off to sleep, now. Unpacking the small store of pigment that I have, I mix it with water. Pulling out parchment and a brush, I begin to write my note. I really do not know what to tell them. In the end there really isn't much to say. I will tell them that I am leaving and ask them not to follow me. It's for their own sake and their own safety that I ask this. I put down the paper and slowly begin to stand, careful not to wake anyone. Quietly, I back towards the door and, with one last look, slide it shut behind me. With those simple actions, I turn and walk out into the night.

Good bye. I'm sorry.

_To be continued..._


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

The calm in the morning air around the mountains never ceases to amaze me. Even now, after two months of living in this village at the base of them, every morning still fills me with the most unimaginable calm. This is exactly what I need to keep my mind off of everything I have left behind.

That night, after I left, I turned and walked down the road away from the town. I didn't pay attention to where I was going, and I had no real goal in mind. I simply wanted to be far enough away that I would pose no danger to my friends. Somehow, my feet lead me here. I arrived at this small village is filled with farmers and hunters. Both groups profit off of the forest that the town was built beside. As more homes have been built and the town has grown, the forest has become almost uncomfortably close. Youkai attacks are frequent but food is plentiful. I owe my thanks to the youkai in the forest for helping me to find a place to live here. The largest house in town is owned by a wealthy man who has made his fortune off of samurai. With as much money as he has made off of the death of others, it is sad that he fears his own so greatly. Youkai and spirits are beyond his expertise. In exchange for my services as an exorcist I have been granted a room at the back of his home. It isn't much, but it is all that I need.

I don't have much time left now. I have known for a while that the end is approaching and it has given me time to think about what is coming. There is a sort of peace to be found in accepting the inevitable. The feeling in my palm tells me that I only have days left. Kazaana has become an aching, burning itch that accompanies me even when I am sleeping. Up until a few weeks ago, the thought that I was dying bothered me greatly. Now, however, I don't mind. There is nothing left to fear. Sitting here on this porch, I stare out at the field behind this house and wonder how life would have been different if I had never had this curse. It doesn't really matter.

When Kazaana finally decides to claim my life I will be able to walk out into this field and die with the knowledge that no one I care for has been harmed. I cannot ask for more than that. For better or worse, I have kept my distance from the people here. That is what I should have done with Inuyasha and the others but, I guess, some things cannot be helped.

The silence here seems to be louder than anything else. Even the sounds of the birds seem to fade into the background, replaced only by the sound of my own breath. In the distance, I can hear the clicking sounds of tools digging through the earth in nearby fields. Somewhere, one of the women of the house is talking animatedly to another servant. These are the sounds of everyday life, the calm rhythm of life. As I let my mind drift, however, I hear a sound that is out of the ordinary. Someone's footsteps are urgently approaching down the dirt path around the house is heading towards my quarters. I am curious, but not surprised. I bandage wounds for the farmers and help with injuries when work overwhelms them or they manage to hurt themselves. My eyes are calm as a boy, probably half my own age, comes running around the porch. Panting, sweat dripping off his skin, he looks at me with an expression of fear.

"What's wrong?" I ask. "You should sit down. You look like you're going to fall over. Are you injured? Or your father?"

He pants, but he's unable to catch his breath. Fisting his hands on his hakama, it's clear that he's not going to sit down. He shakes his head as though I have the wrong idea. "They-," he pauses and manages another breath of air, "they found a woman. Out in the woods. She's dressed strangely. Badly hurt. They're taking her to the well."

I can feel a shock run through me as he says those words. This is definitely not good news. I would have preferred the usual injured farmer. Superstitions run wild in small villages like this one. If they find a strangely dressed woman, especially in a forest like this one, she will be presumed to be youkai. It's a sad story that happens more often than I would care to think about. Youkai frequently capture young human women and put them in youkai dress. When they are done with them, the women are simply thrown away or even killed. To humans who find a woman like that, it would be no different than if she were a monster who had torn down half of their village. It must have been a hunting party who discovered her. If the hunters who found her decide that she is a threat to the village then I have no doubt that they will kill her to eliminate the threat. Of course, that only applies if her injuries haven't killed her in the first place. Jumping to my feet, I thank the boy and head towards town as fast as I am able.

The fact that they have decided to take her to the well is a very good sign. Most towns have a place to meet if something serious happens. Here, they talk around the well in the center of town. There is a clear path between the well and the path that people typically take into the forest. I won't have to use guess work to figure out where they are coming from. The break in the trees where the path leads into the woods is already surrounded by a small crowd of people. News travels quickly here. Mutters of suspicion and concern are being passed back and forth in hushed whispers as everyone waits to see what is going on. It's no wonder. I can smell the blood even before I can see them. It's a miracle that the smell hasn't been enough to draw youkai out.

The dark shapes of the men are starting to emerge from the forest. Stretched between them, a yukata is being used to carry the woman. In the shadows, all I can see are the shapes of the people. My first glimpse of the girl is her hand, which has slid off of the make-shift stretcher. A thick stream of blood is trickling down the black material covering her arm and dripping slowly off of her finger tips onto the grass. I start to move closer, ignoring the knot that is forming in my stomach at the sight of the hand, trying to get a better look.

I've been holding my breath, not even knowing why, but I can feel myself exhale the second they finally break out of the trees and into the sunlight. It feels like my heart has stopped beating in my chest as I stare at her face. It's Sango. And, for all the world, she looks dead. There isn't an inch of skin or clothing on her that isn't covered in blood. Even from this distance, I can see the wounds. Cuts and scratches cover most of her arms. Anywhere that her uniform is missing, all I can see are blood and gashes. One of her eyes is swollen to the point that I wonder if it's still even there. Her chest isn't moving. I don't even know if she's still breathing.

At the sight of her, I can feel every single thing that I have been fighting over the past two months come flooding back to me. So many questions come flooding into my mind, but I have no time to ask anyone. I take a breath. Panic will not help me now. The sharp emotions I can feel cutting through me will do more harm than good. I need to act quickly, if I am to save her. I turn to the man who had been leading the hunting party, one of the village elders. "Was she alone?"

"Yes," he says. "She was just laying out in the forest like this, nothing around her for miles."

"Bring her to my quarters," I tell him. "I'll take care of her. She needs a doctor and you've got no one else."

If any of the men carrying her think it is a strange request, they aren't saying anything. I think they are just glad to not be responsible for making a decision concerning her. Walking beside them, I am trying to gage the extent of the injuries. No matter what it looks like, she must be alive. They wouldn't have gone to the trouble of bringing her out of the forest like they did if she wasn't. My mind is running over the possibilities even as we are approaching my room, but my thoughts are only halfway on the journey. They lay her down at the back of the room, positioning her carefully on the futon I usually use. As quickly as they have come, they are leaving. They probably don't want anything more to do with her. Even though they have complied with my request, I would be willing to guess that they still believe she is a youkai. It cannot be helped. At the moment, I am just praying that I have enough supplies in my room to take care of her.

Sliding the door shut behind me, I try to keep my thoughts clear and focused as I figure out what needs to be done. First, her injuries will need to be cleaned. I can't even begin to tell how bad they are or try to tend them without being able to see them clearly and an infection would not help the situation any. Moving to the center of the room, I work quickly to start a fire. I keep water here in the room for cleaning bandages. For once, I am glad that I offered to help the village people with injuries. Once the fire has warmed, I move a kettle over top of it and throw some rags into it alongside some of the cloth bandages I have. There are plenty that are clean and dry, but from what I can see of the cuts covering Sango's body, I may need more. As soon as I am certain that they will be everything I need for the next few hours, I turn my attention to Sango.

In the dim light of my room, she looks even worse than she did out by the trees. I can tell now that she is breathing, but her breath is shallow and barely loud enough to hear. What little I do hear comes with a hard, rasping sound. As I sit down beside her I have to admit that it is almost painful to look at her. Her skin is so pale that it seems almost transparent. How much blood has she lost? What could have done this to her? Up close, the scrapes and cuts are smaller than I originally thought, but some of the larger cuts have pushed the material from her uniform into her skin. I know I won't be able to get these wounds cleaned up and bandaged without undressing her. If I try to remove the clothing the way it was intended then it will pull at the wounds and might hurt her further. I don't want her losing any more blood. At this point, it may very well be a matter of life or death. From a small tool kit that I have assembled, I pull out a knife that I usually use to sheer bandages. It is small and the blade is razor sharp, it should be able to handle the material easily.

With every inch of skin that is revealed under my blade, I can feel my stomach turning. The blood and the cuts aren't the only reason for the nausea. She would kill me if I tried this while she was awake. She has always had the impression that I am a pervert, the sort of man who goes and jumps into bed with any woman he can find and values their bodies above all else. It's not hard to see why she would come to believe that. After all, I've worked very hard to give her that impression, haven't I? I won't lie and say that there weren't a few nights where I did more than just play the part. More than a few of my memories are filled with regret over things I shouldn't have done... things I wouldn't have done, if I had known that things would turn out like this. Despite appearances, I never really wanted any of those women. I have always preferred to be alone, and sometimes the best way to do that is to drive others away from you. Night after night, I would drink and play with the girls in the towns. I would touch Sango when I knew she didn't want me to I made a very good show of being a nuisance, all in the hopes that she would come to despise me. That would have made it easier to not care. I wasted so much time giving her those false impressions. Working now to remove her ruined clothing, my mind isn't admiring her beautiful body or thinking about ways to violate her. I am worried. For once, I am very, very afraid for her life.

The first day that she started traveling with us, she looked like a wreck. She was covered head to toe in dirt and blood from her fight with Inuyasha. Not unlike she is now, but it hadn't been as severe. The moment I first laid eyes on her, she had her fists balled up and she was glaring at Inuyasha. I felt a little shock go through me, seeing such a beautiful woman with such a lively expression on her face. I have never felt an instant connection to someone the way I did with her on that day. Even then, I knew that something would happen and so I tried my best to push her away. If I had gotten my way, I would be happy in my loneliness and never have to worry about the pain of losing someone else. Or having someone else suffer the pain of losing me, when my time comes.

Even now, as I am pulling the last scraps of cloth away from Sango's arm, I can feel the pain pounding through my chest at seeing her like this. No matter how much I tried to push her away, no matter what I did, she seems to have found a way past all of my barriers.

I've managed to get all of the cloth out of the wounds without doing too much damage. It's a miracle that she is still sleeping. Her unconciousness has saved her from an unimaginable amount of pain. I will have to get her cleaned off before I will really be able to tell how badly she is injured. I push myself to my feet and carry the remains of her clothes with me. They'll need to be burned later. For now, I set them down by the door and go to retrieve the boiling water from the stove. Using a knife, I fish several of the rags out of the water and deposit them on a ceramic platter before returning the pot to the fire.

The rags are steaming hot. They burn my hands as I pick the up individually to ring them out, meanwhile resuming my seat next to Sango. If she were awake I probably would have let them cool down more. As it is, however, the heat is a good thing. It will help stave off infection and loosen the dirt and dried blood more than the cold water. Some of the blood from the cuts is still fresh, but most of it is half-dried and the dirt that has been rubbed into them has almost caked with the thickness. The blood that I had seen dripping down her arm was likely from one of the cuts on her shoulder, it was probably reopened when they moved her. It really is a miracle that she is still alive. She must have been out there like this for at least a day, more probably two or three. I pick up her right hand and squeeze it lightly before I begin washing the dirt off of her skin, working as fast as I can. Right now, she is the only thing that matters.

~(*)~

Hours have passed. Morning turned into afternoon and has faded into evening. It took me the better part of the day just to get the dirt and dried blood off of her skin. She didn't wake even once. Right now, she still looks as if she is sleeping, lying on my futon. I dressed her in a clean yukata when I had finished tying the bandages. The yukata is badly sized for her and the sleeves are too long, but at least it's clean and, hopefully, comfortable.

After I managed to clean her off, I set about bandaging her wounds. I cannot tell you the relief that I felt after getting a better look at them. She is in very bad shape, yes, but most of them aren't nearly as bad as they looked when I first saw her. Even though most of the cuts are minor, it still took me almost two hours to get a salve applied to them and bandages wrapped. I'll have to change them again in another hour or so. The cuts, especially across her torso and another large one on her shoulder, are still cause for worry, but I have faith in her. She will get through this. She's bruised, yes. The gash across her stomach will leave a scar, I have no doubts about that. She's also running a low fever. I've placed a cold cloth over her swollen eye. It's started to come down a bit, but I have to wonder if that might have been from someone actually punching her rather than from a youkai attack. The rest of the wounds look like they were made by claws. When she wakes up, I will have to ask her what happened. For now she still remains unconscious. I hope that she will wake when I manage to bring her fever down. For now, the unnatural sleep is protecting her from all of the pain that her body must be in. If there are internal injuries, or something else I can't find, I don't know what else to do. I still have no idea what happened to her out there in the forest.

At the moment, I am sitting a few feet from her and working on crushing up more ingredients for homemade medicine, something to bring down her fever. As my hand moves the stone pestle over a bowl, I am contemplating all of the questions that are still running through my mind. Why is Sango here? Where are the others? Even if they had gotten separated, surely Sango would have had both Hiraikotsu and Kirara with her. Until she is awake, I can only speculate. Sango had no weapons on her when they brought her out of the woods. Even the knives and powders and other weapons she keeps woven into her uniform were missing. The men that found her said there hadn't been anything with her when they found her. Perhaps I should ask again.

Having her brought to my room was probably not the best thing I could have done. In a town like this, rumors will start. It is neither common nor accepted to have a man and a woman alone in a room. Moreso if she is actually sleeping in the same room as I am. The fact that she is injured and I am the only person capable of taking care of her may not help, but I can hope. Perhaps they will look the other way or, maybe, they would rather not know why. Even I am not certain why I hadn't asked for help. There are women from the village who would have happily stepped in. They could have bathed her, wrapped her wounds and taken care of her. In the end, I simply don't think I would have trusted anyone else to take care of her. She is too precious to me to even consider risking that. Handing her over to strangers simply would not have felt right. I pause in my herb grinding to look at her. The way she makes me feel, even just being here with me me, tells me that I made the right decision. I am forced to admit that some part of me needs her to survive. Even with the reality of Kazaana facing me, even with the danger that I pose to her, I need to know that she will be okay. There is no doubt left in my heart that she means more to me than my own life.

Here in the darkness, with the firelight dancing across her skin, she is beautiful. She's covered in cuts and bruises. Red still tinges a few spots on her skin where I couldn't get the coloring to come out. She's perfect. I had almost forgotten how much I love seeing her face. Whatever fight she had been in, it was over now. She is able to rest. In a way, I feel as if I will be able to rest easier, as well. I never wanted to admit it, not even to myself, but worrying about her has kept me up more nights than I can count since I left.

Sango is not like the other women in the villages. The shallow, selfish girls who try to be delicate and beautiful, even if they really aren't. Ever since she was a child, Sango's entire life has revolved around killing youkai, working with weaponry and carrying her own weight. She has never tried to say otherwise, never tried to be something that she is not. She is always beautiful, but I wish you could see the way her eyes light up when there is a youkai that needs to be slain. Her skill and fearlessness are an amazing thing to see. It's when all of that passion turns to recklessness that I worry. It frightens me. I don't think I could survive seeing her die in some meaningless fight. Here, at least, I know she is safe. She may be injured, running a fever and unconscious, but at least I know where she is and I know that she isn't out risking her life.

I put the mortar and pestle aside and turn to look at her completely. In her sleep, she whispers my name. I can feel a smile spread across my face. The feeling that sweeps through me as I watch her tells me something I would rather deny. Everything I have worked for over the past two months has come completely undone, all in the space of a single day.

_To be continued..._


	3. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**

Six long days have passed since her arrival. In that time, she hasn't made a sound. Even though she whispered my name the first day she was here with me, I really did not expect her to regain consciousness until her fever had dropped. Her temperature broke on the second day. Four more days passed without change. The only sound leaving her mouth has been the dry sound of her coughing. With each passing day, my concern for her grows. I know that the longer that she remains in this deceptively innocent sleep, the lower the chances are that she will ever wake up.

I have spent the time that she has slept trying to take care of her the best I can. My concern for her has caused me to be careless in the other duties I have to this house, I cannot lie. Nothing else seems as important as Sango right now. I am quite certain that the other people of this house, and perhaps even the villagers, feel that I have shamed them in some way. My being alone in this room with her, especially for this long, may cause more trouble than I know. Whatever Sango might be to me, she and I are not husband and wife. And yet, I have had only minimal interruptions. I am surprisesed that I do not have a stronger care for the impressions that I must be giving to the people here, who have been so kind to let me stay. When the time comes, I will deal with the aftermath, even though I can feel my own time quickly approaching.

~(*)~

Today is no different from any of the past six days since she was brought out of the forest. Morning light is filtering in through the door to my room, which I leave open during the day to allow the air to circulate. I've spent most of the day so far making more of the healing salve that I have been using on her cuts. It works very well, but it also gives off terrible fumes as it cooks. Most of her wounds have healed past the point of needing any bandages or healing balms, and I hope that this batch of medicine will be the last I have to make. The only two injuries on her body that I still have kept covered by bandages are the gash on her shoulder and the one on her stomach. There're far from the only cuts and scrapes she recieved, but the rest have scabbed over and are no cause for concern. Even the larger wounds have turned from a darker purple tone to healthier pink colors. The fact that she is healing is a miracle, and it makes me very glad. If she would just wake up, I would feel much better. I didn't even know it was possible to feel this much worry about someone.

As I pack the last of the healing balm into the small box I keep it in, I can hear Sango coughing across the room. The cough isn't anything new. With her current state of unconsciousness, keeping her hydrated has been next to impossible. Her throat must be incredibly dry. Setting down the container of salve, I walk over to her. Moving carefully, and minding where I put my hands, I pull her head and chest into my lap, leaning her up against my body. Trial and error have shown me that this is the easiest way to allow her to drink. Even in her sleep, she still needs to stay hydrated. This seems to be the easiest way to allow her to drink. The small sake bottle and dish that I have filled with wate for this purpose are at my side. I pick up the small dish and press it to her lips, letting the water slide between them and down her throat. Even as it slides down her throat, her chest heaves and she coughs at the foreign intrusion. After several more helpings of water, the coughing subsides and the look of peaceful indifference slides across her face. I've held her like this and given her water like this since the day she arrived, and I wish I could say that I didn't enjoy holding her like I am. However, I must confess that I have never been able to get so close to Sango when she was awake. Allowing myself to a few seconds longer than needed to hold her, I then lay her back down on the futon I've made up for her to rest on. I straighten a cover over her to make sure she doesn't get too cold. Reluctantly, I stand and make my way over towards the mess I've made from my medicinal efforts earlier. There isn't much left now, but I will need to rinse the pot I mixed the ingredients in.

"Where..."

The whisper is so quiet and unexpected, that I am almost miss it. Turning my head, I look over at where Sango is laying. "Sango?"

"Where... am I?" There's no mistaking it. Sango is wake. From here, I can see that her eyes are open and blinking in confusion. A wave of relief washes over me as I get up to walk over to her. I had begun to think that she might not wake up at all. She's still laying down, but she's clearly not happy about it. Groggy though she might be, she's fidgeting and looking around.

Unable to help myself, I'm smiling. "You're in a small village. You're safe, but you need to... wait! Sango, you can't-"

Using her arms, Sango is trying to push herself up to a sitting position. With no food for almost a week, and only my help to drink water, she's in no shape to be moving. I know without asking that she's very weak right now. The arm that she is using to support herself gives way, and my arms are under her just in time to catch her as she falls over. She should have more sense than to try and sit up that soon after waking. She is pressed up against my chest now, with my arms cradling her back and arms. I'm aware I should just lay her back down on the bed, even though I don't want to. At some point over the past week, I have become accustomed to holding her like this, even if it's only to change a bandage or otherwise take care of her. Now that she is awake, it seems different somehow. Against my chest, her breathing is shallow and even. Her face is flushed. Trying to seem nothing more than concerned, I ask her, "Are you okay?"

"My body hurts," she whispers. She doesn't know what's happened yet. That can wait. When I'm sure she won't try to lift herself up again, I lay her back down onto the futon. When my arms move away, she asks, "Houshi-sama... is that really you?"

"Yes. I'm here." She looks like she might cry. The relief that I feel, the overwhelming happiness at the fact that Sango is awake, drains out of me nearly as fast as it came on. I still don't know what could have ever brought her out so far into the forest. So far away from any real trails or villages. Now I have to wonder if she ignored the requests I left in the letter that I had written when I left. Has she been trying to find me? It has been so long since I left, I did not even stop to think that it would be possible for someone to continue to search for me this long. If she has been trying to find me, then it is my fault that she is hurt. Suddenly, I feel guilt sink into my stomach at the possibility. When she's feeling better, I will ask her why she was out there. For now, she just needs to rest. She's still lying halfway in my arms, not quite flat on the futon. I'm afraid she's going to try to sit up again, and if she's that determined I'd rather make sure she's safe while doing so. Quietly, I ask, "Do you want to sit up? I'll probably have to prop you up, but we might be able to manage something."

"Yes, please." She won't meet my eyes now. Her own gaze, while still dizzy and unfocused, is centered on something distant in the room. I wish I knew why. Regardless, I still make myself useful. I keep a surprisingly large amount of extra things in this room, perhaps because it was used as storage before my arrival. A few minutes of searching turns up enough piles of clean clothing and rags to make a cushion for her to lean against on the wall. I help her to get situated, and I'm surprised at how much work it takes. She's also still making an effort to keep herself as far away from me as possible, even when my arm around her back is the only thing steadying her as we work to move her to a slightly more respectable position.

Respectable might be an objective view. It is still incredibly hard for me to see her like this. Her body is quaking and she is barely in control of her own movements, but her eyes are looking around warily from the pile of spare clothing that she is leaning against. Still, for the first time since she has awoken, she seems to be starting to get her bearings. That doesn't change the fact that she looks confused. "How... long was I asleep? Where am I?"

"One question at a time," I say. I've stepped away from her, since having me so close to her person seems to make her uneasy. Her voice is raspy from having so little to drink. I'll have to remedy that. With no food to eat for so long, I figure that a little food also couldn't hurt. I do have some soup from earlier that I could give her, but I doubt that her hands are steady enough to hold a bowl of it. For an instant, I consider offering to feed her. That thought is quickly wiped out of my mind, as it would be a disaster to even suggest it. Instead, I grab some bread and dip it in soup. It might make the bread soggy, but she should still be able to hold it and it will help her get her strength back. Placing the bread in a bowl, I hand it to her. "This village is my home, for now. The people here found you laying in the woods near here six days ago."

Sango's eyes are huge as she realizes just how long it has been. Even though her hands are wrapped around the bowl, I can tell that they're shaking. "Six days? That's not possible."

"You were badly injured. You were very lucky that some of the men found you when you did. If you had been out there much longer..." My own voice is quiet as I look down at my hands. Whether or not I had wanted it to, the emotions that I could feel rushing through me were seeping into my words. The joy that I had felt at Sango's waking was passing, and now I was beginning to realize just how close I had come to losing her forever. "You might not have survived, otherwise. I... honestly didn't know whether you were going to make it or not. I am glad they found you but, Sango, why were you out there to begin with? Where are Inuyasha and the others? Did you follow me?"

"I am very tired, Houshi-sama." The avoidance of my question is obvious. She finishes off the bread that I handed her. I know that she needs to eat more, but I don't want her to eat too much after having no food for so long. Like I have been, she is staring at her hands. Her thumbs are twiddling in circles as she avoids my gaze. In the yukata I dressed her in while changing her bandages, she looks very small and frail. As she tries to avoid my eyes, she seems even smaller still. "May I sleep a little longer?"

"Yes," I smile warmly at her, "I imagine you are exhausted. However, before you sleep, I will need to change your bandages."

"Bandages," she whispers. Her eyes slowly drift upwards to meet my own. They are warm, curious and at the same time, almost afraid. I have missed those eyes more than I could have ever imagined. The expression on her face as she looks at me is enough to make my heart beat painfully in my chest. "How badly was I injured?"

"You have dealt with worse," I answered honestly. The ointment I've been putting on her cuts has probably numbed the pain. I'm not surprised that she can't tell what isn't up to par. "However, your shoulder is still in fairly bad shape, and you have a gash across your torso. Your muscles will probably hurt for a good long while. You were tossed around pretty well. Most of your cuts were minor, so there are only bandages on your shoulder and stomach for now."

I wonder if she will be angry with the fact that I've been tending her wounds. She is a smart woman, and I know she has probably already figured it out. Instead of anger, however, she simply nods her head. The fact that she is biting her lip is the only sign I can see of tension in her expression. After a moment of silence, she asks, "What do you need me to do?"

While I knew that I would have to change her bandages at some point, I actually hadn't considered the practicalities of doing so without seriously violating Sango's rules of personal modesty. I've bandaged her shoulders before, it's true. However, typically, when I've done so she has usually been wearing sarashi - the wraps around her chest that also offer some protection - and the wounds were typically located closer to her neck than her actual back. In addition to that, the wound on her stomach was another problem altogether. Her life and health had been more important to me than her modesty while I had been caring for her. Aside from the fact that she had been naked while I changed the bandages in her unconsciousness, I hadn't bothered with a second kimono, or any sort of undergarment, as she slept. While she had been unconscious, I had only been thinking about the best ways to change her bandages and keep her clean and comfortable. Now, however, I am hit with the stark realization that there is nothing between her skin and myself but the single layer of cloth. That thought is enough to send all manner of incredibly inappropriate thoughts running through my head before I can stop them. It really is different now that she is awake. If I can just get through changing her bandages this once, surely I'll be able to find a better solution next time. Then, perhaps, I can stop this embarrassing situation from arising again. The wounds had looked very good when I checked them earlier. If that still holds true, then I can simply clean them again and leave the bandages off.

That is all well and good, but it still doesn't help me now. I pick up the small box of salve that I prepared earlier, a few clean rags and a bowl of water. "Let's take care of that shoulder first."

"Okay." From the blush on her face, I know that I am not the only one who has been thinking of the unfortunate situation that these bandages are causing. I wish for all the world that I could put this off until later, give her more time to rest and recouperate before having to submit her to this. She is a very proud woman, and I can only imagine the amount of embarassment that this must be causing her. I feel guilty about it, even though I'm aware that it's neccessary. While I want to apologize, I know that would only make the situation worse.

I smile in a manner that I hope is friendly. "May I see your shoulder?"

Hesitantly, she nods. I wait for her to reach up and slide the yukata down. While she may not be able to feel the pain, her arm is still and she is aware of the bandages. Her free hand is clasped almost desperately to the front of her clothing, holding it closed so that I might not catch sight of more skin than is needed. I begin peeling off the bandages and get to work cleaning the cut. Apparently, Sango has decided that it will be easier to distract herself by talking. Her voice is soft as she talks, her words are barely more than a whisper. "I did not follow you, Houshi-sama. The morning after you left, Inuyasha showed me the letter that you left. Even if I had thought that it would be a good idea, I would not have followed you. You made your wishes quite clear." She pauses for a second as I begin to clean the wound with water. I have no doubt that it stings terribly, but she doesn't complain. When the stinging ceases, she continues talking. "We continued traveling, looking for shards or Naraku. Things had almost returned to normal... almost...

"Then, one day, we passed through a small village near the mountains. As we passed through the town, I overhead a woman talking about a lecherous monk in a village nearby who couldn't keep his hands to himself and wore a glove on one hand."

Sango's voice trails off, and I am left to think about her words as I apply new medicine to the cuts under my hands. The lines in her skin are now a health pink instead of the worrisome brown that they had been only yesterday. I will confess that, even though I had requested that no one follow me, there was a part of me that wished that they would. Even now, I am uncertain of what to make of Sango's story. She says she did not follow me, and yet she tells me about her encounter with the old woman. When she resumes talking, her voice is slightly stronger, though there is a painful note in it that I cannot identify. "I left the others behind and struck out on my own for a few days. I was traveling through a section of forest, and I was attacked by youkai. It was foolish on my part."

"Were any of the others with you at all? Even Kirara?" I ask as I pull the shoulder of her clothing up to cover the wound. The salve will make the cloth sticky, but I have decided to leave the cuts uncovered so that I won't have to replace any more bandages.

"No," she says. "I left Kirara with Inuyasha, since it hadn't been my intent to stay away for long."

I can feel myself sighing. She should have known better than to do something like that. Sango's confidence in her skills as a fighter have always been something that I admire about her. This time, it had become her downfall. If she had still been traveling with Inuyasha and the others, she would not have been injured as badly as she was.

She left the group following a rumor about me. Even if she had initially remained with others after I left, I am still uncertain how I feel about the fact that she did eventually try to find me. There is a part of my mind that is glad that I am able to see her once more before I die. The rest of me is ridden with guilt. She would never have been injured if she hadn't tried to find me. While she made the choice to follow me, if I hadn't left, she never would have had to. Leaving had been something that I needed to do, but her injuries are still a very high price to pay for my peace of mind.

"We need to take care of the cut on your stomach," I tell her as I pull the sleeve of her yukata back up to its proper position. Her brown eyes look up at me momentarily before looking away again as she nods her head. The flush on her skin is very pretty, but it's also a tell-tale sign of what she's thinking. She thinks that I will try to take advantage of her. I wish that she wouldn't think that little of me. I keep my voice gentle and tell her, "Why don't you just lay down again? We can cover you up with some of these spare clothes, so I will only be able to see what I need to."

Sango turns her head to look at me again, her eyes wide and disbelieving. Is my good behavior really that much of a shock? If she's waiting for me to say something profound, she will be waiting a while. After a moment, she nods and starts to lay back down. My arm behind her helps to support her as she moves. The last thing she needs is to move around too much so soon after waking. Pulling some of the spare cloth from the piles, I lay it over her chest and another over her lap. Her arms cross over her chest instinctively, but she turns her face away. I pull the clothing covering her stomach aside and look at the bandages covering the cut. The cloth is still white, and there is no blood to be seen seeping through the cloth, but the ointment I've covered the wound with has turned a strange shade of yellow. It's something of a surprise that the bandages haven't fallen away on their own. After all, I hadn't tied them on since she had just been laying on her back. There was no need at the time. My fingertips peel away the cloth, trying not to let the salve cause it to stick to her skin. I place the used bandages at my side and reach for a fresh rag to wash her skin off.

"I wish you hadn't left."

She still isn't looking at me, and her voice is so quiet that I can barely hear the comment as my hands touch her skin again. What does she want me to say? I have no idea. There's nothing that I can say, really. There is nothing I can do to change the fact that I left, and I know that I did it to protect the others. Even so, my hands are shaking after hearing her words. Some part of me needed to know that she had missed me, and now I am hearing it from her own lips.

"I don't know why you left. I have thought about it, tried to figure it out. Nothing I think of seems to fit, Houshi-sama. I don't really understand you at all." Sango's voice is still quiet, but there is honesty behind her words. I can't help but wonder if she's been building this up for some time. "However, the fact that you left isn't what bothers me."

My leaving isn't what bothers her? She's obviously bothered by something, and I feel the unnerving desire to know exactly what it was that drove her to follow a rumor far enough to get herself injured. Finished with cleaning the cut and applying new balm, I right her clothing as best I can and look up at her eyes. "What bothered you, Sango?"

One of her hands reaches over and covers my own hand, the one that isn't consumed by Kazaana. Even though it has only been a few short minutes, it feels as if hours have passed since she last looked at me. She looks exhausted, like she's just fought her way back from the edge of hell. I can tell that she's starting to drift to sleep. The feel of her fingers on my hand makes my heart ache. She sighs, a sad sound. "When you left... you just left that note behind."

"Yes, I did."

"More than anything, it bothers me that you didn't tell me you were leaving," she says. Her eyes are drifting closed now, and I am not certain that she even knows what she is saying. "You didn't even tell me good bye, Houshi-sama. I had always thought that you would..."

Unable to resist, I reach up with my right hand and brush several strands of hair out of her face. I cannot even imagine myself in her place, and her words have definitely struck home. I have told myself for the past few weeks that I was right to simply leave that note and leave. I hadn't even thought about how much it might affect the people I cared about most. I can only pray that she will be able to forgive me, eventually.

Her hand is still on mine, and I turn my own hand so that I can hold hers more closely. She has always been precious to me. Now I know how it feels to almost lose her, and I would never wish that feeling upon anyone else. Yet, I caused her to know that same feeling by leaving. I wish that I could tell her how much I had wanted to tell her that I was leaving. Still, I had made the choice to simply leave in the night. Leaning down, I press a kiss to her forehead. "I am sorry, Sango."

~(*)~

Is it even right for me to want to be close to someone when I only have a few days left to live? Very honestly, I don't believe so. Whatever personal enjoyment and comfort that I might take from Sango's presence, I am very well aware that when I am gone, she will still remain. There will be no more rumors, there will be no more vanishing into the night. She will never find me once I am dead.

Sango's words, her confession that my impersonal departure had bothered her, have started a fire in me. I have told myself for so long that she and I were nothing more than friends. Even when I knew in my heart how much I cared for her, I pushed her away. It is so easy to do when you have other people around you, people you can turn to for a distraction or an excuse not to continue a conversation.

Five days have passed since Sango has awoken, and I find myself in her presence nearly constantly. With every passing day, she becomes stronger. In only a few days, she will be well enough to return to Inuyasha and Kagome. At least, that's what I tell myself. I'm lying, even to my own mind. While she hasn't left the room, I have little doubt that Sango could leave at this very moment if she so desired and she would be fine. I should be happy that she can return to the others, and I know in my heart that I should be telling her to do so. I left to keep her safe. Every moment that she spends in my presence puts her in further danger. Allowing her to stay with me is selfish, but right now the comfort that she offers is something that I need more than I want to admit.

The evening is warm and comfotable. I've spent the day out in the village helping the farmers as I have been doing since I first arrived in this town. Conversation flows easily between Sango and I, and it almost feels the way that evenings felt before I left. The warmth of the fire, the last few bites of our meal. This almost feels like home to me.

For once, Sango is sitting up. She's listening to the stories I've been telling her about my everyday life in this town. It is good to see the expression on her face painted with happiness and amusement rather than pain and exhaustion. Delicately, she takes another sip of the light broth we've been drinking. "What did the little boy ask when he finally got to you?"

"He looked at me very seriously, and he asked if I was a youkai." I smile as I remember the silly incident that had happened earlier in the day. "He was rather disappointed when I told him no."

"Youkai?" The sound of Sango's laughter fills the room, and I can feel my spirits lifting with the sound. She smiles at me with open amusement. "It's a good thing he didn't try to exterminate you."

"I don't know if I would have been able to defend myself." It has been a very long time since I have felt this comfortable with someone. Even so, both of us are aware that this is just a distraction, a delay. Sango will have to leave soon, and neither of us is ready for that to happen. A few more stolen minutes make this entire evening worth while. Even so, I am unable to focus on other things. Her departure is still the subject that is occupying most of my thoughts. Unable to stop myself, I ask her, "Are you looking forward to returning to Inuyasha and Kagome-sama?"

"I am, but..." The swiftness of her response tells me that I am not the only one trying to distract myself from the inevitable. "I wish I knew what happened to Hiraikotsu. You say they didn't find it?"

"No, I'm afraid not. When they brought you to me, I asked if they had found anything else with you. You were the only thing they came across. You are very lucky that they found you, you know." Even with the seriousness of the topic, I am still smiling softly at her.

Her own smile is sad. "I still wish had it. Hiraikotsu has been in my family for generations. It's almost like losing a member of my own family."

For a moment, I do not respond. While I have never lost something like Hiraikotsu, I can understand her pain. The feeling of missing something that has been by your side for so long. A pulse of pain shoots through my right palm, covered in cloth and holy beads. I look down at both of my hands. What would it be like, to suddenly wake up one day and not have to worry about Kazaana? The fear of losing people I had close to me was a constant feeling that I have not been free of even one day in my life. For Sango, losing Hiraikotsu was losing something precious. However, she would be able to build another one. It might not be the same, but it would still be another Hiraikotsu. With Kazaana, I could never rebuild what it had taken away. Quietly, I respond to her. "There are worse things."

"Houshi-sama?" Concern is evident in her words. My eyes are fixed on the glove covering my right hand, but I can hear the soft sound as she sets her bowl to the side and stands up. After a few seconds, I can feel the warmth of her presence at my side. Is she looking at me? I can't tell, and at this moment I really don't want to look into her eyes. Her voice is quiet as she asks, "That's why you left, isn't it? Your Kazaana, I mean."

For some reason, I cannot even bring myself to tell her yes. My mind has replayed a scenario similar to this time and time again. I can always see myself telling her that I didn't want to leave, but I had to. Now, when faced with exactly that conversation, I can say nothing. Suddenly, her hand is on mine. My eyes are fixed on the strange appearance of our entwined hands, pressed so close over top of the very thing that she is talking about. I am aware that she knows that Kazaana, that I, could kill her accidentally if the beads fell away. And still, she presses her hand so close to mine. Her voice holds more sadness than I have heard from her since I first met her. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Why? There are so many reasons. I feel an unexpected flood of bitterness at her words. Perhaps this is why I have kept so quiet about Kazaana in the first place. As much as I care for Sango, she does not know anything about Kazaana. It was my father's burden, and his father's before him. Now it is mine, and only mine. It is a curse, a problem, which I must deal with and no amount of concern or fear from someone else will ever be able to cure it. The fact that I still wear this mark on my palm is a sign of my own failure, of my family's failure to kill Naraku. If the monster had died, I would not be forced into this situation that I am in now. Though, the same could also be said of my grandfather. The man I respect and hate. Whatever he did to anger Naraku cost more than his own life. His selfishness has become my own. He is the reason I will never be able to leave the life I wanted, the reason that I had to leave. Even so, I am aware that the real reasons that I left are not among those that I am thinking about.

"I wish that you would have told me. I would have... wanted to know. You have no idea what it was like, to wake up one morning and find you gone..." Sango's hand is warm on my own, and her words are enough to draw me out of my selfish tirade. Unable to stop myself, I look at her face. She is truly beautiful, but in her lovely brown eyes I can see more emotion than I can comprehend. She is afraid for me. And I am afraid for her. That is why I left.

"I am sorry, Sango." All of the bitterness and hatred that had flooded into my mind and heart only moments ago is fading into nothingness. All I feel now is a deep sense of regret. My heart is beating painfully in my chest as I realize that I have caused Sango pain, simply by making the choice to leave. "I've known for a long while that I would have to leave eventually. You are correct. This curse, this Kazaana, is why I left. I am truly sorry that I could not tell you I was leaving." I turn the hand that she is holding and intertwine her fingers with my own. I cannot lie to myself any more, and I need to tell her the truth. "I had to leave, to save you."

"To save me? I don't understand."

My own voice is barely a whisper. I have not told anyone about my fears, or my dreams, before. "I used to have the same dream almost every night. It was terrifying. In the dream, I would wander through an empty house and slowly realize that I had killed everyone in it.

"I still have that dream, every once and a while. I... did not want that dream to become reality, when my time came. If I had been sleeping, or we had all been indoors, I could have killed all of you." My eyes drift back to Sango's face from where they had been looking, at our hands. I don't remember her being quite so close to me. Her face is only a couple of inches from my own now, and I can see tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

"But, Houshi-sama, why didn't you at least say good bye?"

I reach up and pushing several stray strands of hair out of her face. She is so beautiful that it breaks my heart. I can barely even hear my own words as I whisper, "Because I did not think I would be able to leave if I saw your face."

Sango closes the distance between us, pressing her lips to my own hesitantly. A little wave of shock runs through me as I realize what is happening. I can taste salt on her lips, and I am unable to stop myself from kissing her back. She is warm, and comforting and I have prayed for this moment for longer than I know. If I let this go on much longer, I know I won't be able to keep my mind from falling into forbidden places. She wouldn't do anything like this normally, and I don't want her doing this just because I am dying. Even as I can feel her hand on my chest, I lift both of my own hands and put them on he shoulders, pushing her away lightly. "You don't have to do that, Sango."

"I know that I don't have to. I wanted to." Sango resumes sitting beside me. She folds her hands delicately in her lap as she looks at me and then looks away. An awkward silence falls between us, and I am forced to wonder if I made the right choice in stopping her. She has always figured me to be the pervert, the corrupt one who would stop at nothing to have her body. I would have told you that she didn't even know that I truly cared for her. It was something that I had tried to hide from her, and something I thought that I had been successful at concealing from her. Since she has arrived here, I have been forced to reconsider that opinion. Sango would never have been so upset by my silent departure if she had expected it. There is so much more to her than I know. I can still taste her on my lips. Looking at her out of the corner of my eye, I watch her run her tongue over her own lips, and I wonder if she is thinking about the same things. Her voice is quiet when she finally asks her question. "How much longer do you have left?"

"A few days, at most." It's the truth, even if it's harsh. I will never lie to her again. The frantic actions of only a few minutes before have caused me to eralize that I have only a short while left to make things right. If I can do that, I will. She's moving her mouth as if she has something to say, but no sounds leave her lips. She is still crying silently, and it is tearing me apart. I do not know how other men do it, watch their women cry. I cannot stand it. I wish more than anything that there was something I could do to console her, some comfort I could. Then the realization strikes me that there is the very real possibility that tonight may be the last night I have to offer that comfort. To tell her that I am sorry, for all of this. All of these things that are running through my mind, they are precisely the things that I should have been telling her. And so I do. "Sango, I am sorry."

"I don't understand what you are apologizing for. You have done nothing wrong." The words are so soft that I can barely hear them. The look on her face is the same look I have seen before when she has completely given up, given in to whatever doom has befallen her. I never want to see that look on her beautiful face again. Hesitantly, I reach over and take her hand again, unsure if she will let me. Her fingers are warm as they thread themselves through my own.

"I have... a lot to apologize for, Sango." I take a deep breath. "I should never have treated you the way that I did when we traveled together. Putting my hands on you, or forcing you to watch as I treated other women the same in villages we passed through. I lied to you, more than once, and feigned ignorance when I knew that it brought you pain. I thought that I did not want to be close to you, and in my selfish quest to make that a reality, I have hurt you."

"You were trying to drive me away?" The previous fear and reluctance in her voice has been completely replaced by shock. I have to admit, I thought she had figured that out. She's still crying, but her eyes are wide with surprise as she stares at me. Smiling in what I hope is a reassuring manner, I squeeze her hand.

"At first, yes. I did want to drive you away." Bringing her hand up to my lips, I press a kiss to it. "For a long while, I told myself that I wanted nothing to do with you, or with any of the others. At some point, I realized that I was deceiving myself. You have become the most important thing in my life, Sango."

Her eyes are filled with confusion, but the tears have stopped. She looks down at our hands. "Houshi-sama, why didn't you ever ask me to bear your children?"

My eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Somehow, that was the one thing I never thought she'd ask. Truthfully, I haven't really thought about it. For the most part, asking women to bear my children was a way to pull myself further away from Sango. I was never actually serious about it. On the off chance that one of them said yes, all it did was further my distance from the others. I look into her eyes, wondering what the emotion I can see in them means. "The reason that I never asked you is simple. With any of the women I asked, it would have been nothing more than a one night affair. With you, I wanted more than that."

"So did I." She leans in and presses her lips to mine again. The kiss is over almost before it began, before I can tell her to stop. Her words are almost as surprising to me as the kiss. I wasn't naiive enough to think that Sango felt nothing for me, but until now I never really knew the depth of those emotions. For my part, I had thought that she would simply move on when I had left. Yet, here she is, sitting by my side and talking with me like this. I cannot find the words to respond to her as she looks away from me. Taking in my silence, she decides to speak. "I never really knew what you wanted. One day, you would sit and talk with me, much like this, and then the next day you would be climbing into bed with some woman you had just met. I cannot really say that you ever ignored me, but you... you confuse me. Before you left, I had started to think that you might actually care. There were moments when you would look at me, and I would have to wonder if you might not feel... something. When you left, however, I believed I was wrong. Though, some nights I think back to when I watched you ask those women to bear your children and I remember how many times I wished it had been me that you were asking.

"Do you even know what it feels like, Houshi-sama? I hated standing by and watching you talk to those women. It was worse when you would be kind to me beforehand, in those moments that you would spend a little time with me. Having to be given that little bit of hope, and then knowing where you were on those nights when you never returned home. I just wished that you might want me to be more than... just someone you traveled with."

Her words are painful to hear. I understand what she is saying, but it doesn't lessen the pain of the words any more to know why she is saying them. I really cannot imagine what it must have been like for her, what I would have done in her place. I am not her. However, in my mind, I can see the things that could have been if I had made different choices. I can almost picture the past two years differently. Sango warm and happy in my arms, rather than the two of us fighting. The warm glow of her face as she puts her hands on her round belly, happy to be carrying my child. Both of us surrounded by children. These are things that I wanted, things I told myself that I didn't want. I decieved myself, and it is only now that I am realizing just how high the price for those lies is. I will never be able to experience a life with her. Pulling myself out of my fantasies, I am not left with the usual cold that overcomes me whenever I come back down to earth. Sango is still warm against my side. I tell her the one thing that has stuck in my mind. "You have never just been someone I traveled with."

Silence falls between us as we both think about everything that has been said. Leaning up against me, I can hear her sigh as she rests her head on my shoulder. The irony is enough to make me smile. Somehow, I should have known this would have happened now. The reality that we don't have long to enjoy this newfound comfort is enough to bring me down to earth. Sango's thoughts echo my own, her words barely a whisper. "We only have a couple of days..."

"I am glad that I can spend them with you." For a moment, we are sitting in silence. Little by little, I can feel the resolve that caused me to push her away earlier crumbling. I lean my head over and rest it against hers. It surprises me, how glad I am just to be able to be close to her. Her own fingers are warm against my hand. This is what I have been missing.

Sango turns her face slightly so that her lips are right below my ear. "I love you... Miroku."

I turn to look at her, my eyes wide with astonishment. She loves me. And she called me by my name. I can feel my heart beating in my chest as I look at her. In the fading firelight, she takes my breath away. She's looking at me with more love and trust than I've ever seen in the eyes of another person. The flush on her skin just makes her all the more lovely. She's biting her lip as she looks right back at me. My voice is barely a whisper as I say her name. Ever so slowly, she raises our intertwined hands. Taking both of hers, she wraps her hands around my own and then slowly presses it to her breast. I can feel the warmth of her body even through the clothing she is wearing. Her hands are shaking on top of my own, but the smile she gives me is genuinely warm. The tone in her voice sends a shiver down my spine as she asks me, "We at least have tonight, right?"

What is she doing? Every thought in my mind comes to a complete stop. Shouldn't she e slapping me for having my hand on her chest? She can't really be... she's always pushed me away before. Can she really want this? It takes every ounce of restraint I have to not just follow her lead. Even that simple touch is enough to make my body respond, and I'm hardening despite my doubts. I can feel my teeth on my own lip. It is her expression that makes me realize that she really is serious. Sango. My sweet, beautiful Sango... is trying to seduce me. I look at her face, searching for any sign of rejection. If I had seen tears, or if she had looked away, I would have ended it right then and there. Staring straight back at me, her eyes are clear as she waits for my response. I've been holding my breath, and I didn't even realize it. "Sango, are you sure you want this?"

She nods, and the last pieces of restraint I have slide away. Reaching up with my gloved right hand, I pull her to me. Her lips on mine feel like heaven. This kiss isn't like the earlier ones, it's not gentle. This is everything we've been pushing away for the past two years. Against me, Sango makes a delicious sound in the back of her throat as my hand drifts down her breast and quickly works to undo the ties on her clothing. Her own hands on my skin feel as hot as fire. She's already managed to remove most of my own clothing. Right now, the only thing I want is to feel her skin against my own.

It only takes a moment for my wish to be granted. Her skin is hot against mine. Her breasts are pressed against my chest as she rests on my legs, looking at me and wondering why I've stopped for a moment. My breath is shallow and ragged. Her eyes look at me questioningly, and I can feel myself smile in response. It's nice to know that it's not just her face that blushes when she looks at me like that. "Sango?"

"What is it?" She's just as breathless as I am, almost panting. Her hair is falling over one shoulder. I love that.

"I love you."

_To be continued..._


End file.
